Wanted!
by Intricacy
Summary: When Lily fails to find a boyfriend by the end of her sixth year, her mother gets to action, and she'll stretch as far as Hogwarts to ensure that Lily will return with a boy by summer. Too bad James Potter seems to meet the qualifications. LJ
1. How to Start a Term

Wanted!

When Lily fails to find a boyfriend by the end of her sixth year, her mother gets to action, and her mother will stretch as far as Hogwarts to ensure that Lily will return with a boy by summer. Too bad James Potter seems to meet the qualifications.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything recognized.

Uuuuuuuuuughhh!! I know I shouldn't be writing a new fic, but I just wanted to start on an LJ story. But I hope you enjoy this story anyways!

Please review. XD My first Lily/James fic.

Update: Rewritten! The story wasn't written very well, so I had to rewrite it! Not much has really changed, so if you've read it before, you don't have to reread; the plot's still the same. Sorry!

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Chapter One: How to Start School 

There is something to be said if a Head Girl ever needed to take attitude therapy. Unfortunately, this was the case of Lily Evans, whose mother declared that Petunia's been dating lovely Vernon Dursley for quite a while now, and still, every summer, Lily would return home without a boyfriend. She was seventeen already, and never once had she dated anybody. "You're attractive," her mother said, frowning. "I don't understand why anyone wouldn't want you. You're not cruel to anyone at school, are you?"

"Of course not," Lily protested, always uncomfortable whenever her mother brought the subject up. Petunia would often eavesdrop, a delighted smirk playing on her face, having beaten Lily at something for once. Lily sighed, running a hand through her hair. "Mum, I've told you, I'm never intentionally mean!" Indeed, this was a bit of an understatement, for Lily was generally nice, but she wasn't one to compliment herself. She was far too modest for that.

"And I've heard you," her mum readily agreed, "but if you're attractive, intellegent, and kind, you should've had boys flocking over you ages ago!" She hesitated for a moment, examining Lily closely. "Maybe it's your style--how about we go to the hairdresser's tommorow and--?"

"No, Mum!" Lily said, shielding her head so that her mum couldn't grab ahold of her red hair to envision a new style. "You're acting like I'm a _present_ to give away! I'm not! What's wrong with being _me_?"

Her mum sighed, shaking her head as she ran through the refrigerator, looking for eggs. "There's nothing _wrong_ with you, Lily, dear. It's just that you don't have a _boyfriend_--that's what I'm concerned about." Fumbling with the egg carton, her mum continued doubtfully, "Are you quite sure you're nice to everybody at school? I'm not so--"

"_Yes_, Mum," Lily said, exasperated. She'd gone over the same line about ten times every hour, every day. It annoyed her to no end; she was looking forward to the start of school just to be free of her mother's continuous nagging--and she had no intention of mentioning Potter's constant requests of asking her out. If she did, she guessed things would only be worse. "The _only_ exception, or exceptions, I guess, is James Potter--I've told you about him, remember?--and his friend, Sirius Black, but that's because they--"

Her mum did not bother to listen to what else Lily had to say. With her selective hearing, she had only heard Lily mention two boys' names under the list of who she was mean to. "Two boys?" her mum said, aghast. "You've been rude to some boys? Well, no wonder why no one wants to go out with you, Lily, dear! You've got terrible behavior!" she scolded, and so it had begun. Over the course of the summer, she had enrolled Lily in classes that was meant to improve her attitude.

Lily was forced to go, though she was apprehensive about the whole ordeal. Who knew what type of people would be there? She might meet someone as obnoxious as James Potter. She might even meet some people worse than that. Try as she might, she just couldn't persuade her mother that there was nothing wrong with her.

The teachers would report back to her mother and say, "I don't see anything wrong with Lily. She's a wonderfully sweet child. She doesn't belong in here," but her mum would just tsk them all away, ignoring their words, muttering something incoherent, which Lily could only assume had to deal with boyfriends.

It was a great relief when school started once more, for her summer was dreadful. Nine months free of her mother's nagging of her relationship status! It was something she could only dream of over the course of her vacation. She quickly hugged her mum good-bye without much remorse. "Be sure to bring back home a boy this year during Christmastime, Lily," she reminded her, a completely serious expression cast upon her face. "It's your last year at Hogwarts, and I don't want to see you dying as an old widow. I want my grandchildren sometime, you know."

Lily's cheeks flushed red as her mum continued to speak. She glanced around nervously, praying that no one had heard. Imagine if word got to James Potter! --That insufferable, annoying, git! "I know, Mum," she muttered, turning away, desperate that her cheeks return to their normal color. "I'll see you in a few months. Bye, then." And, before her mother could mention anything else, she ran through the barrier.

She lugged her suitcase around, waiting to climb aboard the Hogwarts Express while looking over heads, searching for her friends. A smile crossed her face as she saw Alice running toward her, dragging her own luggage behind her.

"Lily!" Alice exclaimed, almost jumping onto Lily. She embraced her friend and said, "You made Head Girl, didn't you?" Lily beamed and nodded. "I knew it! Didn't I say she would, Lora? Didn't I?"

Behind her, a brunette girl grumbled, but smiled all the same at seeing Lily. "Yes, you did," Lora agreed, "and all the time, too. It was somewhat dreadful; I daresay that _everyone_ knew that she'd turn out to be Head Girl. You didn't need to constantly bring it up."

"Oh, don't exaggerate, Lora! It was only once or twice--hey, Lily, you didn't reply to any of my owls over the summer! Why didn't you?" Alice said, transferring the topic of conversation onto Lily's exciting summer.

Lily sighed and shook her head. "My summer was terrible this year. Worse than usual, I mean," Lily said. "Look, I'll tell you when we get on the train, alright? Let's get our stuff on here, first."

The other two agreed, for her request was rather reasonable. They helped hoist each other up onto the train and walked down the aisle, searching for an empty compartment. Finding one, they shoved their items beneath their seats and closed the compartment door behind them.

Alice couldn't contain her eagerness for much longer, for she instantly demanded that Lily tell them of her summer. And, after some protest, Lily finally gave in and agreed to share. Hesitating before she started, she said, "I was sent to some camp to have my attitude set straight--_since,_ of course, if I can't get a boyfriend, it must mean that I have attitude problems."

"Lily, with attitude problems?" Lora repeated, a teasing smile surfacing. "Why, I never thought I'd see the day to have those two terms combined!"

Lily shot her a glare that cautioned her to stop. It was clear that she didn't enjoy her time at the camp.

"Petunia must have had a good laugh at that, didn't she?" Alice said, sympathizing with Lily.

Lily nodded. "She enjoyed it, to say the least." She let out a somewhat bitter laugh. "It was dreadful. The people there were all formerly in gangs. I've only been offered drugs, I don't know, about fifteen times? And when I declined, they laughed at me. And don't get me started on hygiene. Their bathrooms were atrocious!"

"At least it's all over now," Lora said encouragingly.

Lily nodded and sighed. She turned away and said, "I've got to meet up at the Heads compartment. I'll see you sometime later." She grabbed her robes and left, going to the back to change. When she returned, she dropped her Muggle clothing into her luggage bag and went ahead, alone, down the narrow corridor to the compartment.

She briefly wondered who would be the Head Boy. She was certain they'd be well acquainted, for it was obvious that every Head Boy had to be intelligent, self-disciplined, and a proper role model. What she did not expect, however, was Dumbledore, a person who Lily had once considered as a wise man, deciding that James Potter was the one that fit most into all three categories.

She knew that he was intelligent enough, but the other two, she was certain that he lacked any sort of self-control. He was arrogant, cocky, and terribly conceited, and those characteristics did not seem to be the amiable qualities required to be a role model. "Oh, Merlin. Has Dumbledore finally lost it?" she said, shocked, upon sliding open the door to the compartment. "Of all the seventh year boys, he chose _you_ to be Head Boy? You weren't even a prefect!" She threw an accusing finger at him.

Before James had a chance to respond, however, she chuckled lightly to herself. "Oh, of course," she said, waving her hand. "You must've nicked it from somewhere." Glaring at him angrily, she said, "All right, who did you steal it from?"

"No one." Under Lily's hard stare, James removed his badge and tossed it over to Lily, who barely caught it and fumbled around with it. "See if it's genuine."

He watched, amused, as Lily spun curse after curse onto it, hex after hex, and when it came out unharmed and just as gleaming clean as it was before, she chucked it back at him as hard as she could. As a Chaser, he caught it with ease. "That badge might be genuine," she agreed, "but I wholeheartedly _refuse_ to believe that _you_ are the Head Boy. You still haven't proven that you hadn't nicked it, you know."

She folded her arms and glared at him hard, waiting for a response. "What can I say, Evans? Dumbledore thinks I'm perfect for Head Boy!"

At this, she barked out a laugh, scoffing at the idea of him as Head Boy. "You never fail to make me laugh. Now tell me, who is the _real_ Head Boy?"

He blinked once.

He blinked twice.

Finally, he awkwardly stood up and said, "Me."

Lily sighed wearily, saying, "Your act is getting tiring and obnoxious. Now, tell me who the Head boy is so I can go find him!"

"Why find him when he's right here?" James said, a teasing smirk on his face. However, the smirk was quickly wiped away when Lily's wand was whipped out.

Those in the neighboring compartments could hear shouts coming from the Head compartment. They looked at each other, amused, guessing which spells Lily would use. Finally, the shouts grew muffled, then turned to silence. The silence did not last long, however, until a shriek was heard and the door slid open, with a fuming Lily stalking out of it and an amused James following her.

During the first meeting with the prefects, Lily refused to look at James.

Three guesses why.

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Dear Professor Dumbdoor (I think that's how it's spelled, pardon if I'm wrong),

Let me introduce myself to you. My name is Anna, and I am Lily's mother. I'm not sure how this owl thing works, but I heard Lily talk about it and I decided to give it a try myself. I have some rather important matters to discuss, and forgive me if I am blunt.

I would like to address the fact that Lily (who happens to be made Head Girl, and I thank you for doing that) has gone without a boyfriend for the past six years. Now, as a mother, I am worried that Lily has a terrible attitude and will never find a suitable boy.

I am well aware that many people have told me that Lily is a perfect child with a spirited and polite personality. However, I would like to see this for myself. Besides, even with any attitude she has, her method of finding a boyfriend has not worked for the past six years.

Needless to say, I want to help her. I have made some preparations already. Please reply soon.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

ANNA EVANS

Dumbledore grinned at the letter, chuckling as he read Anna's version of his name. His eyes skimmed it once mre as he fed the owl bits of bread crumbs. It seemed all very clear that Anna Evans was not aware of the Lily Pursuit (thus named by the staff), and Dumbledore did not feel that he was the right person to inform her of all that.

And as... what was the word he was looking for? -- _amusing_ as the Lily Pursuit may be, they'd like to see it done and over with by the end of seventh year.

With that, Dumbledore dipped his quill into the ink before writing his reply. As he finished signing his name at the bottom of the letter, he gave it to the owl who fluttered out the window, disappearing into the distance.

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Lily stumbled out of the train, massaging her temple. _Finally_. That word was such a relief in her mind. After a long, torturous train ride, she was finally free. Not only did she have to spend some of her time with Potter--of _all people_!--her friends kept on teasing her about it, driving her insane.

She desperately needed some fresh air. Inhaling deeply, she looked around and climbed into one of the horseless carriages, Lora and Alice following closely behind her. She pointedly ignored them every time they mentioned Potter's name, or the fact that she was Head Girl. No longer did that title seem such a privilege; it seemed as a torture, for it meant more time spent with James bloody Potter.

When she entered the Great Hall, she sat down and hoped that the ceremony would go through quickly so that she could return to her dorm earlier and have the rest she was questing for. The wait was no easy task, however. As Dumbledore stood up, Lily recognized that the opening ceremony wouldn't be as calm as she'd hoped it would be.

Level One: Complete.

Level Two: Begin!

"Welcome to Hogwarts, and prepare for another exciting year--"

At this, Sirius interrupted and shouted, "--brought to you by the Marauders!"

The first years looked utterly confused, but the older students grinned, expecting another--and final--year filled with pranks. Lily groaned in exasperation, but Dumbledore didn't seem to mind. "We will be expecting much more than the expected excitement--or something along those lines. To first years, and all others who need reminding, the Forbidden Forest has been named for a particular reason, and we believe that you are clever enough to find the reason being..."

It was the typical start of term. The speech, the poem, the Sorting, the food--everything.

And the excitement?

POOF.

Lily winced. She'd thought much too soon. Turning around, she was afraid of what she'd see. Glancing at the Head table, she gasped and nearly dropped her fork. She bit her lip to contain the laugh that wanted to come out and shot four particular people a murderous glare.

For who else would cause all the professors' attire and facial appearance to imitate one of another professor--especially one of another sex?

"Eww, look at Professor Slughorn! He _so_ doesn't look good in lavender. And look at his curls! They're horrible to look at!"

"Yeah, and look at McGonagall. That hat definitely does _not_ match her robes--"

Lily pointedly ignored Trisha and Mya, Gryffindor's two biggest gossipers. Putting her head in her hands, she groaned.

She definitely _wasn't_ prepared for another year. Not with the Marauders.

And, though she wasn't sure about others, she wasn't asking for a second helping of Professor Dumbledore's so-claimed excitement.

POOF.

"Ahaha, hey look guys, Evans has got an afro and a goatee!"

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Please leave a review! . 


	2. How to Bake a Cake

Voicing my thanks to all those who had reviewed the seventh chapter. I'm glad you guys enjoyed it! Though right now, I'm on the second chapter, but maybe while rewriting, I'll get over my major writer's block. Thanks again!

**miaowkitty** - I'm thirteen. XD

**Once again, note: Rewrittren on December 30, 2006 (as well as first chapter). Major plot line will not change; not required to reread.**

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Chapter Two: How to Bake a Cake

**Week One - Day 1**

Lily Evans woke in bad spirits. Not only had she had a hairy face all last night, and, instead of receiving that restful sleep that she wanted, she had spent the night chasing down the Marauders across the Hogwarts building, earning disapproving looks from teachers. Not that they really _did_ anything, for they resented the Marauders for changing their appearances as well.

Now, an annoying, persistent pecking sound at her window wouldn't stop, forcing her to roll out of bed and clamber over to open the window, letting the owl flutter in. Dropping a letter onto Lily's desk, it flew off again, likely toward the Owlrey.

Lily frowned. What was so important that couldn't wait until the Owl Post during breakfast? Tearing open the envelope, she took out a letter with loopy penmanship that she instantly recognized, belonging to her mother. Alas, and no good news could fall to her eyes now! She put away the letter, determined not to read it until the night, so that her day wouldn't be ruined from the start.

She washed and changed, going down to breakfast. Before entering the Great Hall, however, she hesitated, and felt for the letter in her pocket. Biting her lip and retracting her hand as if she'd just touched poison instead of parchment, she continued to walk, seating herself in her normal seat by her friends.

Massaging her temple, she reached for some toast and butter. Lora, noticing Lily's tired appearance, said, "Bad night, huh?"

Lily sighed. "Not at all. I run across the whole school at night chasing the Marauders on a regular basis," she said, picking up a butter knife. "Oh, and I'm so excited because I've just received a letter from my dear mum."

Alice suddenly tuned into their conversation at the last statement, diverting her attention from her pancakes. "You received a letter from your mum?" Alice said, alarmed. "That can't be good, can it?"

"What did it say?" Lora continued, reaching for an apple.

Lily shrugged. "I don't know. I figured that, since I got it in the dawning of the day, it'll be best to wait until night so my whole day won't be ruined."

Lora shook her head. "I don't know about your plan, Lily," she said, furrowing her brow. "It might be really important."

"Give it to us to read," Alice piped up. "We'll measure the situation and tell you if you should read it or not!"

Lily wasn't quite ready to give in; after all, her friends would act different, and it would only make her more apprehensive. But the curiosity was already close to murdering her. She hesitated, buttering her toast some more, before feeling the parchment in her pocket. Looking wearily at her friends, she voiced her concern and they ultimately promised not to act any different.

She wasn't so much concerned about Lora, for she was an amazing actress when she put her mind to it. Alice, however, was much too easy to see through, and she doubted that Alice _could_ carry through her intentions.

Figuring in the end that it would help, she threw them the letter and returned to her breakfast, trying hard not to watch their expression. She tried to, and failed for the most of it. She reached for a muffin for distraction, but it didn't work.

When they were done, they handed it to her. "You'd better read it now," Lora cautioned. "Your mum's letter involves a time limit."

Lily dropped the piece of muffin that she was eating and wiped her hands on a napkin. Taking the letter from Lora, she read,

_Dear Lily_,

_Have fun on your first day of school! Are you excited? If you're the Lily I know, you are! And remember what I said when during the summer. Remember to find a boy. I want weekly updates from you about this subject. Even if you don't tell me yourself, I'll find some other way to learn. I've made contacts, dear Lily. You must fear me and succumb to my demands. _

_I'll give you this first week to find a guy that you like. If I don't get a reply by next Friday, then I'll take matters into my own hands. Understood? Good. There is no path you can take but the one I have laid out for you. I have eyes everywhere. I hope you remember that. _

_Enjoy your time as Head Girl! _

_Sincerely, _

_Mum_

Lily stared at the letter for a moment. There was no doubt that her mum had written this; she had always gone for the "Dictator of the World" kind of thing, not the "Oh, let's bake some cookies together!" kind of mum. She could be rather terrifying at times, actually, even without the help of magic. She'd heard from Alice that her mum would sometimes cast a few spells to make herself look twice as powerful than she normally was.

Thank goodness for being a Muggleborn.

"Maybe she's exaggerating," Lily said as she shoved the letter back into her pocket, reaching for her muffin again.

Alice shook her head. "I don't think so," Alice said. "Your mum seems pretty serious; I don't want to gamble with your chances." Lora agreed. Suddenly, a look of determination crossed Alice's face. "Breakfast's not so important," she suddenly said. "We're going to the library to look up all the names of the guys. Now."

"Wh--but--you--muffin--" Lily started, but her protests did not overcome Alice's fierce will, and she found herself being dragged off.

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"You know," Sirius said, deep in thought, a fork in his hand, "I wonder what it would be like to bake a cake."

James looked at Sirius as if he were mad, stopping in the middle of his breakfast. "Bake a cake?" he said. "What's wrong with just sneaking off to the kitchen and getting a cake from the House Elves?"

Sirius shook his head. "But we do that all the time!"

James sighed and ignored Sirius; he often went into strange moods. Remus helped himself to some pancakes and said distractedly, "You know, if you must, I'm sure there's some cooking club after classes you can join." He looked over at Peter. "Can you hand me the syrup?"

Sirius stood up, a fist in the air. "Come, let us go see the clubs immediately!" He ran out of the hall in a full gallop, leaving the rest of the Marauders, looking at each other warily, no choice but to follow their fellow friend who seemed to be a bit touched in the head. James was the first to trudge after him, Peter soon following them.

Remus, however, looked at the pitcher of maple syrup he was holding longingly. "But it's my sugar day," he said dejectedly as he put the pitcher down (which was instantly claimed by a fourth year) and followed his friends, whimpering all the way.

When Remus finally arrived to the scene, he found Sirius pouting, staring at the notice board with an anger glinting in his eyes. "What's wrong?" he said to James, seeing as Sirius was obviously not in the mood for talking.

"There isn't a cooking club," James explained, running a hand through his hair, then turned back to Sirius. "All right, there's no club. Now, can we get back to eating our breakfast?"

Remus, realizing that Sirius was not keen on moving, awkwardly patting Sirius on the back, quickly tried to scheme up a way to comfort him enough so they could return to breakfast. It was, after all, his sugar day. "Err... it's... okay, I guess... maybe you can get someone to start the club, a House-Elf or something..."

Suddenly, the look on Sirius's face was replaced by one of genuine excitement. "That's it!" he said. "We'll start it!"

Remus, James, and Peter looked at Sirius, a bit of fear in their eyes. "_We_?" they said in unison.

"Yeah," Sirius said strangely, as if the idea was easy to comprehend. "As in you three people and me." When met only by their cautious stares, he sighed and said, "The word 'we' is a pronoun used to replace the terms for, or represent a party of two or more people--"

Remus was the first one to recover. "Of course we know what the word 'we' means!" he snapped, angry that his intelligence had just been insulted.

"What do you mean, _we_ will accompany _you_ in starting up a baking club?" Peter said, aghast, voicing the mirrored thoughts of the other two.

Sirius looked thoughtful for a minute, then positively beamed. "Why, that's an _excellent_ idea, Wormtail, I'll sign us up immediately!" And that he did, putting their names under a new title, reading, BAKENG CLUB.

"It's an 'i,' not an 'e,'" Remus put in suddenly. Sirius changed it with a flick of his wand, not caring much that he'd misspelled a simple word.

James sighed. "I have a feeling he planned our entire conversation out," he said.

There was a silent agreement upon them, but if it was true, or if it was not true, they would never find out.

That is, until, Sirius began to cackle.

"Heeheeheee."

(Insert silence here.)

James spun around to look at Sirius square in the eye. "_Never_ do that laugh again."

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Classes ran smoothly (for the most part, but we can just skip the part where Sirius _accidentally_ tripped Snape, who landed into a nice stack of niffler manure, which just _happened_ to be in the middle of the classroom right where Snape's head landed), and after dinner, they returned to look at the list. James hoped that no one had signed up, so that Sirius would once more be discouraged and get over his sudden baking mood.

Much to his disappointment, however, the list was three pages long.

"Huh, look at that," Sirius said, beaming. "It's a good thing we started the baking club. See how many people wanted to join, but none of them had the chance to?"

Remus sighed, flicking through the pages, looking at the names. "I doubt that's the reason why the majority of them signed up," he said, shaking his head. "Almost all of them are girls; no doubt they only joined because of you two."

At this, James perked up at the idea of a baking club and attempted to slyly ask Remus if Lily was joined. Only, it didn't come out the way he wished it to, and he ended up being rather blunt.

"Is Lily signed up?"

The other three all sighed and turned to James. "No, Prongs."

James frowned. "But, you didn't even look! Maybe--"

"_No,_ Prongs."

"How would you know? For all you know, she might be really interested in baking--"

"No, Prongs."

"But she might! The chances might be slim, but she still could--"

"_No_, Prongs."

"But--"

"NO, Prongs!"

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**Week 1 -- Day 2**

James wasn't in a very pleased mood at the moment. He had never been rooting for Sirius' genius idea for starting a baking club, and, when it pulled through, he didn't support it--especially when he found out that the club took place at six in the morning, _before_ classes. He would have been quite happy and settled to have skipped that particular meeting--well, he would have been quite happy and settled to skip _all_ the meetings, had Sirius not insisted.

_Yeah, insisted_, James scoffed in his mind. That was a little bit of an understatement, considering that Sirius had more of _blackmailed_ James into coming. After all, James would do nearly anything as long as Lily never found out about that little secret of his under his bed...

He coughed slightly, converting his thoughts to merrier ideas. But these thoughts were immediately dashed, however, when they entered a room full of girls--and one or two guys, and James sincerely hoped that they were there because of their interest in baking--all staring wide-eyed at them.

"Well, this is exciting, isn't it?" Sirius said, beaming, clapping his hands together. He immediately assumed the role as leader and donned an apron which, as one of the girls said, _brought out the color of his eyes_. James only rolled his eyes and pointed to an empty space in the far corner of the room, where they would be safest from the disaster ready to strike.

"Now," Sirius continued, "Who knows how to bake a cake?"

No one responded. In fact, the response was so still that it would be entirely proper to say:

(Insert silence here.)

"All right, no one, then," Sirius said with a slightly nervous laugh, glancing at his three other friends, watching him with their arms crossed. "Ehh... James! I'm sure you can all teach this group a few starting tips--"

"Sure thing, Sirius," James said, striding to the front of the room. Sirius looked a little relieved. "First things first. Tip number one: never trust Sirius on _anything_."

At this, Sirius' thankful look turned to a glare. "I resent that," he said. Pushing James out of the way, he said, "Let us now bake a cake!" He then started going through the cupboard and pulling out almost everything he saw--woks, pots, pans, spoons, rollers, and a pitchfork (which made James, Remus, and Peter a little edgy).

"Err..." James started, sliding up next to Sirius, "do you actually _know_ how to make a cake?"

Sirius shot a grin at James, pulling out bags of flour from the pantry. "Nope." Tossing James the bag of sugar, he continued, "Not a bit."

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Ah, how thankful I am for those cake mixes.

So, what did you think? Please review!


	3. How to Eat a Cake

Thanks to all who reviewed!

**Rewritten on January 1, 2007. Notable change: Heads do not have private dorms.**

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Chapter Three: How to Eat a Cake

**Week 1--Day 2, Continued**

Lily rolled over in her bed, not quite ready to leave its warm comfort. She knew that, should she take a step out of it, she'd be forced to deal with the problems of reality--something she wasn't quite keen on meeting with. After all, when presented with the problem of finding a boyfriend in less than a week now, who wouldn't want to avoid the start of a new day?

She sighed, opening her eyes slowly. Hesitating before climbing out of bed, she snuggled beneath her soft blankets to savor the last joys of warmth. Finally, when she knew that she could not stay in bed any longer, she forced herself out, the cold floor prickling her bare feet. After she exited the bathroom, she found Alice sitting upright on her bed.

"Morning, Lily," Alice said, yawning widely. "How was your night?"

Lily shrugged, rummaging through her closet. Grabbing a fresh pair of uniform robes, she said, "All right, I guess." In the middle of changing into her uniform, she suddenly stopped. "Well, I had a weird dream."

Alice, who had just entered the bathroom, poked her head out of the doorway. "What was it about?" Returning into the bathroom, she said again, "Hey, Lily, did you see my toothbrush?"

"Err, wasn't it in that green cup?" Lily replied, slipping into her uniform. Walking toward her dresser, took out a pair of socks.

"Oh yeah, thanks," came the reply. Lily heard the faucet turn on and Alice said, "You were saying, with your dream?"

Lily paused for a moment, trying to recollect the happenings of her dream. "I dreamed I had an ice cream," she said out loud. "It was butter pecan."

Alice faltered before replying, spitting out her toothpaste. "Ah. Is that it?"

Lily grabbed her shoes and said, "I don't _like_ butter pecan. I prefer to stick with the classics: chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry." Looking around the room, she spotted Lora's still form. "Do you think we should wake Lora up now?"

"Mm-hmm."

"How should I do it?" Lily asked. Lora enjoyed her sleep immensely, and, when woken improperly, she could cause serious damage. Either that, or the procedure didn't work a second time. After all these years, they had yet to find a proper way to wake her up.

"With caution."

Lily suppressed the urge to roll her eyes and shoot back a sarcastic reply. Thinking quickly, she grabbed her wand and conjured up an ice cream--butter pecan flavored. Walking over to Lora's bedside, she opened her friend's mouth and shoved the ice cream in.

She received the desired effect: Lora woke up, bolting up into a sitting position, sputtering. Realizing that she had just eaten a mouthful of ice cream, she shot a glare at Lily, looking at the ice cream cone. "Butter pecan?" she complained. "Of all ice creams, _butter pecan_? I don't like butter pecan--why couldn't it have been cookies and cream or something like that?"

"Of course," Lily said dryly, muttering the vanishing spell at the ice cream. "I should have opted for coffee ice cream." Lora made a face and didn't respond.

Alice exited the bathroom, looking at Lily closely. "No drastic damage. Hmm, impressive. You should try that method again next time Lora sleeps in." Lora shot Alice a glare before walking into the bathroom and promptly closing the door behind her. Alice, who started to dress as well, said, "Toss me my robe, will you, Lily? It's on the chair."

Lily picked it up and brought it over. "I don't understand why we need these hats," Lily stated, gesturing to the black, pointed hats lying on their dressers. "We never really wear them, anyways. Only on the first and last day of school."

"Yeah," Alice agreed, "and they make my head itch. Then again, Black and Pettigrew _did_ apply itching powder on it. Jerks." Pulling on a sock, she averted the topic of conversation to something more serious. "So, like you said yesterday in the library. No one below seventh year, no Snape."

"And no Marauder," Lily added, running a brush through her hair. She hesitated for a moment before saying, "Well, Remus, _maybe_."

"Right." Alice reached beneath her pillow and pulled out a slightly crumpled parchment with a long list of names on it. "We'll check this list out later." She turned her attention to her shoes and started to tie the laces. "Hurry up, Lora!" she hollered at the door.

"I'm almost done!" Lora yelled back, clearly irritated. Several long minutes later, the three made their way to the Great Hall for breakfast. Once there, Lily immediately grabbed a bagel; she was rather hungry.

"Huh," Alice noted. "The Marauders aren't here. That's... suspicious." She frowned, then told herself to forget about it. She grabbed an orange and started to peel off its thick skin. "Now," she said, pulling out the list. "Joe Accuster, Gryffindor."

They all looked over to the boy who was grinning stupidly at his buttered toast, scratching his arse. The looked at each other and shook their heads in unison. Alice hastily scratched the name out. Lily, feeling terribly apprehensive, said, "I don't think this is such a good idea..."

"Nonsense!" Alice said, waving Lily's comment aside. She continued down a list of names, and, as she carried each one out, Lily looked more and more apprehensive. Finally, to her relief, Alice declared--after Bobby Barber, a boy whose best friends were his pencils with faces painted on them--that they'd had enough for the time-being.

They were well into their breakfast when the found the four Marauders walking down the aisle together, looking a bit bewildered and a little edgy when their eyes strayed toward the plates that were overflowing with food. As they passed them by, Lora piped up, "What's wrong with you four? You look like you've just been eaten by a giant butter pecan ice cream."

They stopped and turned toward Lora, not saying a word, staring fixedly at Lora. Lora, however, did not back down from their gaze, as she was genuinely curious about their late appearance and uncomfortable behavior. James's eyes then glazed over as he recalled the terrifying events...

_Begin Flashback//_

"I'm not sure this is a good idea, mate," Remus said apprehensively. "I mean, if you don't know what you're doing..."

"Nonsense!" Sirius said, obviously rather chipper, quickly recovering from the disappointed mood he was in earlier. "Now, what do you think is in a cake?"

A girl with rather long brown hair said, "Well, Mum says water is necessary in everything," batting her eyelashes all the while.

Sirius nodded. "Yes, water, great idea." He took a pitcher of water and put it into the bowl. "What else?"

"Well, flour, duh," called out a girl from the corner.

"Flour! Right!" Sirius said, picking up the large flour bag and pouring it all over the table. Soon, the bowl was overflowing with flower.

"Err... not that much, I think," she said hesitantly. Sirius nodded and began to scoop out the flour with "that big spoon thing with holes on the bottom."

Another girl piped up, "I like eggs."

"Brilliant!" Sirius shouted out as he took out a few eggs. Without bothering to crack the shell open first, he threw them into the bowl and began to mix it with a spoon. Flour sprayed everywhere. "And I know what we do next!" He took out a bin of sugar and dumped its entire contents into the bowl. After he set the empty bin down, he said, "Any other suggestions?"

Peter opened the door to the refrigerator. "How about some leftover lasagna?" Remus and James fixed a gaze on him that obviously read, "_You're not helping_." He shrinked a bit under their gaze and immediately closed the refrigerator door.

"Great, bring it over," Sirius said, throwing it into the bowl. "What next?"

"Strawberries," one girl said. "Strawberry cake is amazing."

"I don't like strawberries!" another girl protested. "I say cherry."

"Strawberries!" the first girl shouted. Soon, handfuls of flour were being thrown across the room, as they had engaged in a... flour fight. And as you might know, flour is rather sprinkly and does not clump together well. Thus, it falls onto people who had nothing to do with the argument. Angry that they had gotten dirty, they joined the fight. Soon, it spread to the Marauders.

Really, it did sound so much smarter in their heads.

When they had ran out of flour, they started on eggs, and when the eggs were gone, they realized what they had been doing and immediately sobered. Returning to the cake, Sirius started, "Right... anything else?" Throwing in the strawberries and the cherries, he heard a suggestion of milk. Pouring the milk in, he said, "Next step?"

"I say we bake it!" one of the girls said.

"Excellent! I can't wait. What should the temperature be?" Sirius said.

A girl considered the idea before choosing a random number out of the blue. "Five hundred." (And we shall now assume that this particular room is impossible to catch fire.)

Pouring the mix into a pan and putting it into the oven, Sirius said, "Great. For how long?"

"An hour!" said the same girl.

And thus they had an hour to spare. So, Sirius, cleaning himself up with a simple _Scourify!_, turned to his friends and said, "See? No problem!"

Remus, however, ignored Sirius and started to dig through the pantry and the refrigerator. As Sirius asked what he was doing, he replied, examining a can of soup closely, "We'll be late for breakfast, no doubt, and--" He looked at Sirius pointedly before a word could be spoken "--I'm not up to eating your _delicious_ cake."

"What's wrong with it?" Sirius demanded, angered that Remus doubted his cooking skills.

"Mmm," was the only reply he received. Remus ignored the other questions that Sirius pelted at him, opening the door to the freezer, pulling out a box of ice cream. "Eww, butter pecan," he said, chucking it at James. "Who in the world eats that stuff?"

"I do," Peter said, grabbing the ice cream box from James. Sirius backed Peter's statement, declaring that butter pecan was a delicious delight--but did not eat any, claiming that the rest of them would be stuffed with ice cream while he "had all of the delicious strawberry-cherry cake" to himself. Remus only laughed at his statement before pulling out a box of vanilla ice cream--which was stolen by James.

The girls watched their argument, clinging onto their every word, while all four Marauders seemed oblivious of it, flicking bits of ice cream at each other. And so it continued, until the _ding!_ of the oven was heard. Sirius immediately got up and went to the oven. Remus stopped him, handing him oven mitts. "You might want these," he cautioned.

And Sirius gladly accepted them, opening the door to the oven. Out came... a big mesh of something. (A/N: Sorry, never tried the recipe myself, so I wouldn't know what it looks like.) He looked at it indifferently.

James burst out laughing. "Well, you know what you do know," he said, tossing Sirius a fork. "You eat!"

Now, here comes another one of those moments that will be appropriate to say,

(Insert silence here.)

That is, until one of those girls said, "How are we supposed to eat _that_?"

James grinned. "Simple." He picked up a fork, but then put it aside and picked up a spoon instead. "You scoop it up, like this... open your mouth, like this..." At this point, Sirius was so astonished that James was going to eat it, his mouth was hanging wide open. "And you put it in your mouth, like this." With that, James put the spoon into Sirius's mouth. His eyes widened in horror as he started to choke, spitting out the cake.

But, from there on, they force-fed each other the cake.

_//End Flashback_

"Well?" Alice demanded, interrupting his thoughts. "What happened?"

"Nothing," James said dazedly. "Absolutely nothing."

And so, the four continued their journey across the school, leaving the girls to wonder exactly _what_ had happened.

Sorry to all those who enjoy butter pecan and have been insulted. No offense meant!


	4. How to Find a Guy and Fail

Chapter Four: How to Find a Guy and Fail

**Week 1--Day 2, ctd.**

Billy Magnet was a very respectable type of fellow, calm, serious, and studious. He was in the corner of the Gryffindor common room writing avidly into a journal, reflecting all of the day's events and ideas. He recalled those moments of delight when he had finished his potion correctly and prided himself when Slughorn nodded his head. He recalled his embarassment when he failed to properly transfigure his bunny rabbit into a bunny slipper.

He dipped his quill into the ink and began to write neatly across the blank parchment, his words flowing, conveying his every idea, his every motion. He poured his heart into his life story, which he would someday complete under a different person's name as the character.

He looked up, his nose slightly smudged with a bit of ink, gazing into the fire, collecting his memories. The flickering firelight reflected in his deep, meaningful eyes that absorbed everything that he saw. Some claimed that he had a photographic memory. He did not. He was only rather observant. Extremely observant, even. Nothing could pass him. No conversation could go unheard. For this, he was the target of information for many gossipers, but he often kept everything he heard a secret and refused to speak a word, turning back to his work.

And one particular conversation included Lily, Lora, and Alice. Now let us move onward onto the actual story rather than dwindle on a character will likely not appear in the story again.

An owl had fluttered in from the open window, dropping a sealed letter onto the table nearby them. It hooted a bit before departing again, likely to return to the Owlrey. Lily frowned and looked at the letter; her name was on it in a tidy scrawl. She picked it up and peeled the envelope open, looking inside.

"Oh!" Lily said, quickly scanning through the letter. "It's from Dumbledore. I'm to meet him in half an hour." She stuffed it into her pocket and glanced at a nearby grandfather clock. "That would mean I'm going to meet him at four."

"And," Alice said, a grin sporting on her face, "that _also_ means we've got another half hour to kill, looking suitors for you."

Lily visibly paled at the proposition and shook her head, backing away, waving her hands frantically. "Oh--oh, no. Alice, don't you even _think_ about it! I--I mean, I've still got to work on that Transfiguration spell that we were doing today in class, and, I--"

"Don't kid yourself, Lily," Lora said, sliding next to her frantic friend. "I saw you practicing it earlier in the library and you got it!" Lily cursed under her breath which, of course, Lora ignored. Turning to Alice, she said, "Who's next on that list of yours?"

Alice pulled it out and scanned it. Though they had not gone through half of the seventh grade boys yet, there were a great many names already crossed out and not one was circled. Running her finger through the list, she finally stopped at one name and read aloud, "Tony Riddens."

At that precise moment, as irony has it, for irony enjoys mixing itself in unsuspicious and innocent lives, Tony Riddens happened to be walking by them. Hearing his name called, he stopped and looked around, squinting.

"I hear a homonid with double X chromosomes speak a word--a word that identifies another one of the same genus and species as myself," Tony said quickly, as he always did.

The three girls shared uneasy glances. "Erm," Lily started apprehensively, "I'm sorry, but... _what_?"

Tony looked over at Lily and said in that same fast voice, "I have stated what I have heard through the receptors on the sides of my head, though I believe my level of intellegence and understanding of the scientific being and nature is none what comparable to your own, though we are each of the same specimen."

Lora turned to Lily, utterly confused. "I think he said something," she said, "but I'm not sure what."

Lily sighed. "Sorry, Tony, we didn't mean to call you over," she said, trying her best to get Tony to leave.

Tony gave a curt nod and was about to turn when he spotted the Head Girl badge shining on her robes. He seemed to be enchanted by it, staring at it curiously. "You're Head Girl," he said bluntly. Lily looked rather taken aback. "I should have been Head Boy, you know, I am rather intellegent and I have a clean historical record, and it proves that I have not crossed boundaries and lines... but I suppose it's how it is, seeing as this world is all a figment of my imagination..."

Lily nodded, looking at Tony strangely. "Right..." she said, then, speaking in a low tone to Alice, "cross him out." Alice hastily obliged and scribbled Tony's name off the list.

Tony launched in a never-ending description of his "imagination," using complex and incomprehendable words. It seemed that every other word he used was at least twenty letters long. With nothing left to say, the three of them sort of... slid away, and Tony never noticed a thing.

"I'm really starting to doubt," Lora wondered aloud, "if there _is_ any sane, likeable guy in all of Hogwarts!"

Lily shuddered. "Hand that list over to me, Alice, please." Alice obliged and Lily examined it, frowning. "No, no, this is all wrong," Lily stated. "Pass me that quill." Accepting it from Lora, Lily started to scratch names out, muttering, "First of all, James Potter is _not_ a candidate. Actually, neither is Sirius Black--oh ho, definitely not Peter--Remus, I guess, is all right, but still--and secondly--" Lily looked up and saw the time. "Merlin!" she said. "I should've left for Dumbledore five minutes ago!"

She pushed the materials toward Alice as she raced off toward the Headmaster's office, shouting a quick good-bye. As she arrived to the gargoyle, panting, she checked the time. She was two minutes late. Thank goodness it wasn't later.

...Oh, shoot. What was that password?

Lily frowned, trying her best to remember what was on that scrap of paper. Where did she put it?

...Ah, yes. In her pocket. How delightful.

Lily flushed in embarassment and took out the letter. Scanning through it, she realized that she _wasn't_ given the password. She bit her lip in worry, shooting random names to the gargoyle. "Sugar Quills... no? Err... Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans--no, no, Licorice Wands? Oh, maybe Pumpkin Patties? Or--or--or Chocolate Frogs, or, erm, Cockroach Clusters? Eh..."

When she used up her entire knowledge's worth of Wizarding candy, she slumped against the wall. "Oh, this is hopeless," she sighed. She was about seven minutes late now.

She sighed, casting the letter one last glance. She frowned. "What's this?" she muttered, reading a single line.

_Meet me in the Great Hall_.

Oh.

You know, that _would_ help. Just a tad.

She wondered why she hadn't seen that bit before as she traced her steps back to the Great Hall. And indeed, there he was, Dumbledore standing with his blue eyes twinkling with amusement... as always. And... James Potter standing there with him, cocky as ever. Lily shuddered inwardly and scowled at the sight.

"Sorry, professor," Lily said quickly. "I... sort of... got lost..." she finished, trailing away in the end.

James smirked at her and continued for her, "...in a place that you've lived in for about seven years now."

She glared angrily at him, her fist clenching, but managed a small grin toward the headmaster, who said, "It is all right, Miss Evans, we all have our tardy occasion sometimes. I remember quite well when I slept through a class that was supposedly Potions." Chuckling, he continued, handing both Lily and James a slip of parchment, "Here, you will find a list of the expected behavior and duties of a Head. Every month you are to attend a Heads meeting with me." He looked over at the time. "Well, I believe I ought to be going now. Good-bye."

With that, he turned and left. Lily, too, turned to go, when James called, "Aren't we supposed to review these topics?"

Sighing, she shook her head. Any moment spent with Potter would be twenty moments too long. Bitingly, she said, "We can look at them separately, thank you very much!" Not bothering to listen to him any longer, she started to walk faster back to her room, leaving James no choice but to follow her example.

--------------------------

"All right," Lily said, taking out her list, seated on the floor with Lora and Alice. "Let's see the rules..."

--------------------------

"So, Prongs," Sirius said the moment James had come in, "how was the meeting?"

"Nothing much," James answered truthfully, tossing the papers at Sirius. "Go on, read it."

Sirius grinned as he picked up the parchments and began to read. "Rule number one," he said, his eyes going over the sheet before him. "The Head Boy or Girl must wear a frilly pink tutu on Sundays and eat butter pecan ice cream."

Everyone's faces went blank as Sirius started to chortle uncontrollably. "Ha, ha, I'm only joking." Seeing James's unwavering expression, he coughed and said, "Joke, get it? As in, you laugh? Ah, screw it. Anyways. Rule number one..."

--------------------------

"_Expected Behavior From Head Boy and Girl_," Lily read aloud. "Point number one; The Head Boy or Girl must set a positive example to younger students. This includes, but is not limited to, getting to class on time, following (set) rules, turning in your homework, etc."

Lora grinned. "I'd like to see what happens when James breaks all the rules tomorrow."

Alice returned the grin. "One can only imagine."

--------------------------

The room was silent as everyone stared at the cursed piece of parchment. Sirius threw it at Remus and edged a bit away from it, as if he would catch a bit of the obedient hazards if he seated himself too close to it.

"Blimey," Peter stated aloud, voicing everyone's inner thoughts. Except, perhaps Remus. "Wouldn't want to be you, mate."

"Ehh," Sirius said edgily, clapping a hand on James' back. "Have fun with that one." James shot a glare at his friend and motioned for Remus to continue reading.

Remus cleared his throat slightly and read, "Rule number two: The Head Boy or Girl must not abuse their power to add and remove points. Predictable, I daresay. Rule number three: The Head Boy or Girl must see to it that certain... _Slytherins_ are not found in grass skirts, flowers in their hair, a midriff consisting mainly of coconut shells singing songs, or any other form of torture."

Sirius chortled. "I wonder who that was directed to, you or Evans?"

"Must be Evans," Remus said seriously, not a trace of a smile on his face. However, his expression quickly broke as he couldn't keep his laughter in.

"Pity," Peter said, referring to the rule. "That was such a funny prank, too." He paused. "What kind of a prank doesn't involve torture? I mean, maybe we can find a spell that washes Snape's hair, but--"

Sirius' eyes glinted at that idea. "Or," he said, his grin broadening, "we can leave a trail of mucus wherever he goes!"

"No can do," Remus said. "That would be categorized under torture."

They sighed in unison, staring at each other. Suddenly, James frowned and looked over at Remus. "Toss me that sheet, will you?" Remus obliged and handed it over. Looking over it quickly, a grin cracked on his face.

"Pray tell, Prongs, what is so humorous about rules?" Sirius said, crossing his arms.

James chuckled slightly. "It says here," he explained, "the Head Boy _or_ Girl. Thus, only _one_ of us has to comply to these rules." He looked around, and the heavy expressions were suddenly lifted and turned into mischivious ones.

"I love loopholes," Sirius declared out loud.

Now, it is always advisable not to give anything to the Marauders, for you never know what might become of it. Naturally, when Dumbledore had given James Potter the list, he had neglected that piece of advice.

One does not want to know what happened to that list of duties.

--------------------------

**Week 1--Day 3**

The day started out rather well for Billy Magnet. He woke up to the sun shining brightly upon his face, the chirping of the birds outside, singing gaily to each other. His roommates did not bother him at all, and today, for breakfast, there was a shining untouched plate of asparagus. Did he ever mention how much he loved asparagus? It was fascinating, really, and it was a pity that many people did not appreciate the beauty of asparagus.

Discarded and left 'til it was cold in the middle of the table, Billy walked up to it and offered himself a large helping of asparagus. People nearby looked at him oddly as he returned to his seat, ignoring the many strange gazes cast toward him.

Three particular eyes that followed his every move belonged to Lily, Alice, and Lora. Alice started, "Well, what about him? He's in seventh year, and by the looks of things, he'll eat basically anything."

Lora this time responded for Lily. "Are you mad, Alice? Not even Zenny would date him!" They looked over to the poor outcast girl who was quite overweight and had a bad case of acne.

Alice nodded, quickly crossing him off the list. "Well," she said brightly, "we've gotten rid of approximately half of the Gryffindors, all of the Slytherins, a third of the Hufflepuffs, and one fourth of the Ravenclaws." Realizing the stats, she put the quill down on the table and said, "You just don't seem to be interested in any guy you meet, do you?"

Lily sighed and shook her head apologetically. "But still," she said, sounding sort of strangled, "we've got the rest of the week, right?"

They merely nodded and grimaced. Lily followed suit. And before they knew it, the week provided was over, and Anna began to take things into her own hands.


	5. How to Kill a Reputation

Chapter Five: How to Kill a Reputation

**Week 2--Day 1**

Daylight came, as it always did, does, and likely always will. Sometimes it comes with anticipation, others with regret, and others with dawning inspiration. But this particular morning, for Lily, to say the least, was a mix between anxiety and horror.

She rolled over in bed, keeping her eyes shut tight, pulling the covers over her head. The suspense was nearly murdering her for what she was worth, but it did not prevent her from delaying further. After all, suspense to something terrible is the lesser of the two evils, and naturally, that was the one she'd rather choose.

In the warmth of her bed, she waited. She anticipated the pecking of an owl against her window, fluttering his wings impatiently. And thus, she squeezed her eyes shut tighter, expecting to hear it any moment. But it never did come.

At last, curiosity overcame and she opened her eyes, despite her better judgment. She was always too curious for her own good, she admitted--there had been that time when she had unwittingly entered her sister's room and found a rather disturbing sight of her and her boyfriend--Dursley, wasn't it?--kissing.

She pushed the memory back and cautiously lifted one eyelid, looking around. When she saw nothing, she opened her other eye, finding everything just the same as it was the other day. Her friends were sleeping with calm looks on their faces, not at all disturbed. Slowly with arising suspicion, she pushed her covers back and looked at herself through the nearby mirror. She still looked exactly the same--red hair, green eyes, pale skin. No alterations whatsoever. No letter.

Perhaps her mother had been kind enough to grant her an extra week to look for a proper boyfriend?

As soon as the thought rose in her mind, Lily quickly crushed it back down again, not letting her hopes rise. After all, she could have just waited until the morning Owl Post during breakfast this time around.

With a sinking feeling, she walked to the bathroom, the cold tiles piercing her bare feet. It was completely quiet. It often was like this in the mornings, for she normally awoke earlier to take her morning showers--something her friends never understood, taking their showers late at night.

But today, the silence bothered her greatly. Everything was _too_ calm, _too_ serene, _too _quiet. She bit her lip and told herself that it was much too early to worry and to worry during lunch. With that, she tried to ignore the feeling, but with no avail.

Slowly, she turned the bathtub knob and water started to rush out from the spout. Waiting for the water to heat up, she took one last look around. Nothing was different. Absolutely nothing, and that was what frightened her the most.

Stepping into the shower, she raised the level of heat, letting the warm water washing over her tense body, relaxing her muscles. But it did not relax her mind when she stepped back out of the shower ten minutes later, her hair dripping wet. Nor did it ease when she was finished changing and had dried her hair with a quick spell.

She looked outward toward the sun. She had a good twenty minutes before breakfast started. She normally took this time to go over homework or to read a book that she had been meaning to go through, but today, she simply couldn't concentrate on the words before her. Her mind kept on diverting and putting itself subject on her mother's schemes.

Finally, with an exasperated sigh, she closed the book and set it aside on the dresser. Standing up, she looked around. Alice had already gotten up and had entered the bathroom while she was busy contemplating about the probable plots her mother planned out. Closing her eyes briefly, Lily stood up and decided to wake up Lora.

"Bloody hell--the peanut man is coming!" Lily shouted at Lora pointedly. She heard Alice stifle a laugh in the bathroom.

Lora scrambled up, her eyes wide, looking horrified. "What?" she said, fear etched through her face. In her youth, she had been allergic to peanuts. The allergy had subsided by the time she had entered Hogwarts, however, but she still despised the taste. She looked around the room wildly, and, when finding no trace of such a creature, narrowed her eyes at Lily in a glare. "Gee, how kind of you," she muttered, lying back down and pulling the covers back over her.

"No, you're not going back to sleep," Lily said crossly, dragging Lora out. "You're already awake after all."

"Five more minutes," Lora murmured, rolling over and pulling the pillow over her head.

"Only if I get to choose your outfit!" came Alice's voice from the neighboring bathroom. Shopping one day over the summer, Alice had found an atrocious outfit with mix-matched complementary colors that was just Lora's size. Deciding that it would help her wake up, Alice had bought it and brought it with her.

At this, Lora quickly scrambled out of the bed and stumbled into the bathroom. Lily smiled, amused, hearing Lora say something along the lines of hate to Alice, who chuckled in response.

When the day continued in its normal procession, Lily's mind was once more focused onto her mother's ideas. The few minutes that had diverted her anxiety were greatly appreciated, but were now gone. And, pacing back and forth, she waited for her friends to prepare before heading down for breakfast.

When they did descend and entered the common room, the first thing that Lily noticed that was out of everyday order was the giant stacks of paper--not parchment, she noted briefly--on either side of the staircase coming down from the boys' dormitories. The three of them simultaneously stopped and stared at the stacks in horror, frozen in time.

Finally, regaining her senses, Lily rushed over, knocking a whole stack over, papers flying everywhere, making a giant mess. Normally, Lily would have felt bad and upset at such a mess, but she was not in a normal situation, caught in an ordeal such as hers. Quickly, she grabbed a piece and scanned through it, her eyes widening with horror at every word.

Lora and Alice, too, had each grabbed a piece of paper and scanned through out, aghast at its contents, for there, it read:

**WANTED!**

A boyfriend for Lily Evans (Seventh year Gryffindor, Head Girl)

Requirements:

Needs to be of _male_ gender

Must be in seventh year

Preferably intelligent, charming, and handsome

Interested?

Please send an owl to the following address.

Beneath it, Lily's address to her Muggle home--and repeat? ..._Muggle_ home--or should I repeat once more? ...**MUGGLE** home was printed neatly.

Hmm. Why is the word "mug" in Muggle? But point besides...

"Oh, good Merlin," Alice whispered faintly, immediately appearing at Lily's side, praying that her friend wouldn't do anything rash. And rash? An understatement, perhaps, for she motioned to burn all the wanted posters to crisp. Alice, recognizing the start of the incantation, grabbed Lily's arm and stopped her from continuing any further.

"Let go of me!" Lily said angrily to Alice, trying to pull her arm back. "Not only am I to get some boyfriend I probably don't like, but my pride has just been killed!" Alice nodded, understanding flickering in her eyes. "Let me destroy the culprit--"

"I'll let you," Alice said seriously, her eyes showing sincerity. When Lily opened her mouth tos peak, Alice interrupted her by continuing, "But _not_ by burning it like this! You'll burn the whole Hogwarts castle down!"

"I'll be careful," Lily said angrily, trying once more to yank her arm back.

Alice shook her head. Lora caught up and grabbed ahold of Lily's other arm, too, in case she tried to do anything more drastic. "You can try," Alice agreed, "but that doesn't necessarily mean that you'll succeed."

Lily's fire was not yet put out. Lora quickly said, "Lily, think it through first. If I were about to burn something without any restraint, what would _you_ do?"

At this, Lily faltered and lowered her wand. Her straining muscles calmed and both Lora and Alice released breaths of relief, loosening their grip on her. Lily sighed and shook her head, turning to look at them desperately. "What am I going to do, guys?" she said, pleading for help. "I can't survive this! This is--this is torture! How could Dumbledore let her _do­_ something like--" She suddenly stopped and realized what she had said, groaning inwardly.

Alice and Lora must have noticed the same thing because exasperated expressions overcame their faces at once. "Dumbledore," Lora said chidingly, shaking her head in disappointment. "You can never predict that old man, except that he's, well... unpredictable."

Lily's look of desperation suddenly hardened into anger. "This _cannot_ be happening," she muttered. "It simply _cannot_!"

But whether or not she appreciated it, it _was_ happening.

And it wasn't about to stop for a long while.

----------------------

"James, I don't think this is such a good idea."

Remus, ever the clever one--well, ever the one with common sense and a reasonable mind--shook his head as James' grin widened as he rummaged through his desk, searching for spare parchment and a quill that wasn't broken. Naturally, he completely ignored Remus.

"If you _really_ want Lily to like you," Remus continued, though well aware that James wouldn't care about a word he said, "you should confront _her_ instead of her mother."

James frowned at Remus' description of it. He shot a look over at him, saying, "Who ever said that I wanted Lily to like me?" He tried to keep his normal cool, but something in his voice sounded a bit strained when he said it. "It's all a joke, after all."

Sirius sighed, shaking his head. "Face it, mate," he said, leaning against the bed post, "we all know. You can hide something from others, but you can't hide it from us."

"Know what?" James said, though he already felt his heart sinking. He'd tried to keep it as though it _was_ one big joke--despite the fact that it wasn't. He'd failed.

"That you like her," Peter said, crossing his arms.

"And," Remus continued, "if even Sirius and Peter can figure it out, then it's pretty obvious. You can't hide it."

James froze, stopping mid-search. "How many people?" he asked slowly.

Remus frowned, counting on his fingers. When he reached four, he stopped and said, "Oh, no more than perhaps the whole school?"

And one of James's greatest fears were now realized and brought to life. The whole school knew! All his attempts of being discrete were in vain. He sighed and shook his head, then resuming his search of parchment.

Remus groaned at this. "Don't tell me you're _still_ going to ask Lily's mum?" When James did not reply but continued to search, Remus already knew that James was fighting a lost battle--and facing in the opposite direction of the enemy.

----------------------

Petunia had not been expecting much that day, for it was quite like any other. She returned from a local coffee shop where she and Vernon had exchanged words, walking home, not prepared for much.

Her expectations were disappointed.

She slipped her key into the lock and turned it, withdrawing the key and opening the door. Closing it behind her, she started, "Mu--"

Only then did she realize something: the house was floored with owls.

Owls on the countertops, owls on the television set, and owls flying toward her... while she was wearing her favorite sweater.

Naturally, she did what someone sane under such circumstances would do, other than faint.

She screamed.

"MUM!" Petunia shrieked. "WHY THE BLOODY HELL HAS OUR HOUSE JUST BECOME A HOME FOR THE OWLS?"

Anna smiled at her daughter who had just come into the house. "Oh," Anna said brightly, "these are only half of them. I sent the other half away."

Petunia forced herself to remain calm, saying in a strangled voice, "So... remind me _why_ all these pesks are here?" Her fist was clenched to try to control her anger.

Anna, however, didn't seem to notice her daughter's stress and said, "These are all applications to be Lily's boyfriend! I never knew she was _so_ popular!"

And now, insert practical response number two:

She fainted.

----------------------

_Dear Mrs. Evans,_

_Hello. My name is Keith Quince..._

----------------------

_Dear Mrs. Anna Evans,_

_Hey, I'm Ethan Lurre and..._

----------------------

_To Mrs. Evans:_

_This is Luke Awry..._

----------------------

_To the sweet Anna Evans, mother of beautiful and lovely Lily Evans:_

_Hello. Allow me to introduce myself as James Potter..._

----------------------

Ary Jocklehead had not noticed the stack of papers for all male gender at the Gryffindor Common Room that morning. When he returned from breakfast, however, he spotted it and reached to take a slip of paper, curious. However, he was promptly stopped by none other than _the_ Sirius Black.

Now, Ary Jocklehead is a very sensible fellow. And so, even though Sirius Black was famous in these parts and everyone wanted to be him--except for maybe his closest friends, who were rather famous as well--he did not fall to Sirius's feet and start praising him. Rather, he looked up to the tall seventh year with a questioning look on his face.

"You can't have that," Sirius said shortly.

Ary was utterly confused, and when he had questions, he _needed_ answers. "Why can't I?" he said. "It appears that every other male in the castle has one."

"Yeah, well," Sirius said, "they've got one because--" Sirius stopped short, remembering James's commands.

_Make sure that no one else finds out about the Wanted ad. And make sure that they don't know what it's about, either._

"--because, err, they, uh, bought it," Sirius finished hastily.

Ary was now more confused than ever and he took out his moneybag, willing to pay. "How much?" he asked.

"Err... twenty Galleons," Sirius said. When he saw that Ary was actually counting out each and every Galleon, Sirius said quickly, "but you can't have it."

"Why not?" Ary demanded.

"Well, you see..." Sirius racked his mind for an idea. "We're all sold out!"

Ary nodded to the stack of papers that Sirius was standing in front of. "Then what's all that?"

Sirius started to create a story, saying, "Well, you see, err, you can't have it, because, well, it's... cursed. Yeah, it's cursed. Anyone who reads it will... err... talk about it for the rest of their lives and they won't be able to think about anything but this! But it's not true, either, see. Everything on this piece of paper is a lie. And once you read it, even if you know it's a lie, you can't stop thinking about it and you'll grow addicted and obsessed and your world will revolve around a single lie!" Sirius finished his story proudly, glad that he came up with such a brilliant idea.

Ary nodded, saying slowly, "So... it's cursed." Sirius nodded. "Then... how did it get into Hogwarts?"

Sirius was stumped. He considered it for a moment before saying, "That's what Dumbledore's trying to figure out now!"

"How do you know all this?" Ary questioned.

Now, a perfectly reasonable person who is a friend of a prefect would simply state, "Remus told me to caution everyone. He's a prefect, you know." However, I'm not sure if you realized it or not, considering the whole cake idea, Sirius is _not_ a perfectably reasonable person, for he had said instead, "I know everything."

"Really?" Ary said, astounded. "Then you know the answers to my Muggle Studies homework! I don't understand _any_ of it."

Sirius, who had not been expecting this, could only say blankly, "Err..."

Ary, however, didn't care and tossed Sirius the parchment on which the questions were listed. "Thanks!" he said before leaving.

Sirius looked at the portrait hole in which Ary had disappeared. "Yeah, you're welcome, too," he grumbled.

* * *

Four words: I Hate Science Fair. It's coming up, but that asides, two chapters left to be rewritten until I start writing the actual story again. Where I was stuck in writer's block...

I'm rewriting Vital Choices now as well, and I'm planning to do so on many others. Hopefully, all my rewriting will be done by April, where my schedule loosens up some and I can concentrate on new plot parts.

Please review!


	6. How to Fail Your Homework

Heh, I noticed an error in the last chapter. I said that the whole of Hogwarts Castle was to be burned down. Well, the castle's made of stone, so that would be impossible... Yeah. But hope you enjoy this chapter! (added more answers) please review!

I'm sorry it's so short and I didn't update. Now, I'll try my best to update each of my stories every month... a larger load for me. Grr. I knew I shouldn't have published so many stories at once!

Enjoy!

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Chapter Six: How to Fail Your Homework

**ARY JOCKLEHEAD'S MUGGLE STUDIES HOMEWORK**

_What is a tributary? Explain and give examples._

A tributary is a three-arsed person named Ary. I know this because of the "tri" in "tributary," which means "three." Then comes the "but" part, which sounds a lot like "butt," and what's left is Ary. An example is a fellow I know named Ary. I met him in the mirror the other day. His arse was bigger than the whole of Hogwart's castle!

_What is a wetland? Explain and give examples._

A wetland is a dog's arse. A dog's arse is a wetland because when a dog pees, his arse gets wet. (I will not go further into _how_ a dog pees, so professor, please do not ask.) A good example is a poodle. I swear, those things are really rather scary. You should stay away from them. (A/N: Yeah, Sirius, of all people, should know. More on his experience with a poodle later in the story.)

_What is a swamp? What is another term for 'swamp'?_

A swamp is where a bunch of weird creatures start swamping toward you and close you into a circle and you can't escape. Another term (or phrase, depending on how picky you are) for swamp is 'cornered by maniac friends.'

_What is pollution? Explain and give examples._

Pollution is an illusion of poles. This is when a person keeps seeing poles in front of him and thinks if he keeps walking straight, he'll crash into of a pole, but in reality, there is no pole there. A good example is a person named Bellatrix Black. She's crazy (as in mentally unstable, if you haven't noticed) with wicked reflexes. I think it's because she has to swerve out of the pole's way all the time.

_What causes pollution?_

Pollution is caused by a mental instability when one becomes paranoid and believes that everyone is out after him. And then, they'll start believing that inanimate objects, like poles, will be chasing them, too.

_What is one way pollution makes its way into the ocean?_

One way pollution makes its way into the ocean is if Bellatrix Black goes swimming. The ocean will go crazy because of Bellatrix Black's presence and it will catch pollution from her. But instead of seeing poles, it will imagine ships instead.

_How does pollution affect the Muggle society?_

Well, when someone has pollution, they swerve out of the way of "poles" and crash into other people. Then the other person, who doesn't have pollution, will not understand and they will engage in a fist fight. This is bad because the fight won't be fun. They need wands! And when a wizard gives them one, they'll probably only poke each other with them. So Muggles will never be able to enjoy a proper duel. That is why pollution is bad.

_What is one way to stop pollution from getting into the ocean, bay, rivers, etc.?_

Make sure that Bellatrix Black does not swim. I think you'd strongly support me, too. You do not want to see _her_ in a bathing suit. Eww. GROSS.

_Why is a wetland important to the Muggle society? Explain._

Err... well, I suppose a wetland is important to the Muggle society because they like to sniff dog's arses. Without wetlands, they will have no source of entertainment. I cannot explain this odd enjoyment for I am not a Muggle and I, for one, am not into sniffing dog arse.

_What lives in wetlands?_

Err, Professor, you don't want to know...

_Why are wetlands disappearing? Explain._

Well... either dogs started to wipe their arses, or they died. If it is the former, I wonder _who_ wiped the arses. If it is the latter, it is bad, because dogs are cool. Enough said.

_What can happen when all the wetlands are gone? Explain._

Say the latter happened and all dogs died. Well, this is bad because without dogs, man will have no best friend. And, with no best friend, the wrold will be a dreary place and everyone will be said, because they don't have friends. And, when they don't have friends, they get depressed and they start thinking bad things. Then everyone will commit suicide and the world will die. And that is bad.

_What can you do to stop wetlands from disappearing?_

Start an animal shelter and make sure dogs don't die out. And make sure that their arses will still be wet. Muggles would be very, very sad otherwise.

_--------------------------- _

**Week 2--Day 2**

Her day, to put it lightly, was simply atrocious. While doing her classwork, the subject of her mother's plan was constantly bugging Lily at the back of her mind. She was forced to endure suggestive looks from all the seventh year boys and wistful ones from the fifth and sixth years. Naturally, her academic standards were not quite at the top where they normally held their place. Instead, with the constant irritating distractions that simply refused to cease, Lily finished the last of her classes with more homework than usual.

From this, she received little sleep last night, for when she finally did complete her assignments, she could not get any rest. Thoughts of horror rose into her mind as she considered the depths that her mother was willing to plunge and her cheeks constantly flamed with embarrassment. Her reputation was utterly and completely destroyed. Horror was, naturally, etched into her heart as she anticipated the outcome of the next day, dreading it and hoping it would never come.

But it did anyways, defying Lily's wishes as the sun rose steadily in a cheer that was not echoed upon her face. Rather, she hesitantly rose from bed, more hesitant than ever before. She even considered not attending classes, as to avoid the sheer humiliation, but that was simply unacceptable behavior coming from the Head Girl.

Then the thought suddenly occurred to her.

James Potter.

No doubt he had received one similar notice as well. He had been chasing her for years now and was always met by her steady refusal. She feared what may happen with this letter.

Adding oil to fire, she would say.

And suddenly, the invitation of the bed seemed more inviting than ever. She longed to drop into it and stay there the whole day, refusing to meet anybody.

But when she recovered, wouldn't the humiliation be ten times worse?

Sighing wearily, she forced herself to prepare. As always, Lora took forever to get up, and this time, Lily did nothing to help speed the process up. Her own dread of heading into the Great Hall--or leaving the dormitory, for that matter--caused her to linger even longer.

Neither of her friends questioned this out of character behavior, for they understood it quite well. Had they been in her position, they would have retired from Hogwarts and left for another school under another name.

Wearily, they headed to the Great Hall for breakfast. Lily picked at her waffles and didn't eat much of it, not finding the appetite to do so. And when the mail came around, it made her sick even further.

"What does it say?" Alice said, observing the owl that dropped a letter on Lily's plate fly away. "Is your mom relieving you of this... event?"

"I wish," Lily said wistfully as she crumpled the letter up and threw it on the table, wrinkling her nose in disgust. "It's a _schedule_." Upon their confused looks, she clarified, "A schedule for _dates_."

Granted, Lily was not quite expecting this to arrive, but she expected nothing less. And the dread in the pit of her stomach was realized. The letter assured that.

"Oh, Lily," Alice sighed sympathetically as she took the crumpled ball from the table, unwrinkling it, folding it smooth. Her eyes scanned across the list as she said, "Apparently you're due to meet a _David Crotchman_ at eight tonight." She frowned as she looked up from the paper. "I've never heard of him."

"David Crotchman?" Lora repeated as she took the paper from Alice. "I thought he was in sixth year."

"He is," came a voice from behind. Lily jumped and turned around, finding Remus standing behind them. He turned to Lily with a small smile on his face. "I hear you're having a spot of trouble with your mother."

Lily wearily sighed. "Only too true," she admitted. "Though the whole school knows."

Remus chuckled and Lily frowned. What did he find that was so amusing about her desperate situation? "We're friends, are we not, Lily?" Remus said.

Lily's frown deepened. What exactly was he aiming at? His purpose was left blank in Lily's mind. "Yes..." she said slowly and rather suspiciously.

"There's tryouts for the Gryffindor Quidditch team today," Remus said. "Maybe you can tell him that you're going out with me to see the tryouts until you get used to the idea."

Some of the weight lifted from Lily's heart and a smile crossed her face. "Would you really do that for me?" she said, not entirely believing. When Remus nodded earnestly, her smile widened. "Thank you."

Remus then started to depart and an idea flashed through Lily's mind. Quickly, she caught up with him, looking around. In a lower voice, she said, "Wouldn't James be upset?"

Remus laughed lightly. "He would be," he agreed, "but he's going on it the wrong way." And before Lily could understand his words, he walked away and departed from the Great Hall.

----------------------

_Dear David Crotchman, _

_I apologize for the misunderstanding on my mother's behalf; I have already found a boyfriend and I cannot be with you. Sorry once more. _

_Sincerely, _

_Lily Evans_

----------------------

That evening, Remus waited and greeted Lily as any male in a relationship would. And they traveled to the Quidditch field together, alone, discussing light, humorous topics along the way. It was in such an upbeat, laid back environment that Lily did not feel the relationship existing at all. But it did not exist, after all, for it was all a façade that Lily did not mind at all.

And in this manner, they arrived at the Quidditch field met with the large crowd. Lily gasped slightly; she didn't think that the sport of Quidditch was _this_ popular among her peers. Remus, upon seeing Lily's surprised look, mused, "Perhaps it's because of James that over half of these people are girls."

With this comment, Lily scanned the crowd more closely and found it to be true. She chortled slightly under her breath, amused. She couldn't see just how so much of the female population thought James attractive. He was absolutely, tormentingly repulsive in Lily's view. If only tormentingly was a word.

"Well," Lily said hopefully, "perhaps after this, there won't be any Potter left to deal with." She leapt into the stands to seat herself as she watched. And Remus only followed, not saying a word, a peculiar expression on his face.

But his expression was not the only peculiar one.

James Potter was at the other end, muttering under his breath. "How many d'you think are out here?" he said to Sirius. When met with nothing but a shrug and an arched brow, he sighed and said, "This is going to take longer than I thought." Clearing his throat, he called out and a hushed silence fell upon the Gryffindors. "All right, err, Chasers, go over here, and, err, people trying out for Keeper, stay over here, and Seekers, go by that tree over there--oi, not that one, _that_ one! Yeah, of course I would want my potential Seeker waiting by the Whomping Willow... oi, no, I was being _sarcastic_! Don't go near the Whomping Willow! All right, and Beaters, go right there, no, more to the left a bit, you'll get hit by the ball if you wait there--all right."

Pausing for a breath, James looked around to see his masterpiece division.

They were still one big clump.

He, however, preferred to think of it as one big _organized_ clump. Participles made all the difference.

With a weary sigh, he said, "Beaters up first! All right, err, I managed to nick--I mean, get--four bats. So get into groups of four... and whoever doesn't die by the end of tryouts will get the place." It took a while, with tagging and pushing and insisting, but the groups were finally formed and stopped bustling. "All right... you. That group. Go up now."

They obliged and flew up there, beating the ball about, while another team did the same with the other Bludger. The winner came out scratched and the others came out bloody and bruised. At the sight of this, a significant number of the Beaters left, as well as some of the others from other sections who watched the result wearily.

The tryouts were long and tiring, but with James' painful method, the time was cut short by at least a half of what it would've been. And, after finally gathering a team that James was slightly proud of, Sirius looked over and found Remus and Lily sitting up in the bleachers. Waving, he shouted, "Oi!"

At this cry, James looked over and followed Sirius' gaze, his eyes falling down upon the two peers who were laughing merrily together.

Suddenly, he felt his chest tighten and his breathing grow ragged. A certain rage seared through him as he watched one of his closest friends speaking and laughing so easily with the girl he fancied as he wished ill upon Remus.

Storming out of the field, Sirius had no choice but to look about, bewildered, running after his friend and shouting his name. And it certainly did not help matters when the rumor was spread by the next day that Lily Evans was dating Remus Lupin.

James felt his world being set on fire.

-----------------------

Excitement continues on! So, did you like the Muggle Studies answers? Were they too perverted or wrong in any sense? Cuz I really try my best to keep this at a K+ rating. XD

Hope you enjoyed! Please review!

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NOOOOOOO!! What have I done? My revisions end here! Now Lily can't transform the broom into a tomato!! Ah well. I was stuck there anyways. Maybe she'll transfigure something else some other time. Heh. Ooh, a prank, perhaps? Keep updated!


	7. How to Break a Friendship

Sorry about getting this chapter out so late. However, I did twist the plot somewhat. Let me know what you guys think! And sorry about the short length… but it's longer than the last chapter!

Thanks to all those who have reviewed the previous chapter! Hope you guys enjoy this next part!

* * *

Chapter Seven: How to Break a Friendship

The next time Lily met Remus was the following day in the library. She had entered it for completely innocent reasons – she was lagging in Transfiguration and needed to start working on the essay that had been assigned the other day if she wanted to pull her grade up. Walking to the nonfiction section of the library with a small smile in the direction of the librarian, she ran her fingers across the books until she came across the Transfiguration section.

Her eyes scanning across the titles, she muttered under her breath until she found the book that she had been looking for. With a satisfied smile, she pulled the book from the shelf and coughed from the dust that flew into the air as she did so. She walked toward the alignment of tables that she normally seated herself at and was only slightly surprised when she met Remus there. After all, he, as well as she, often visited the library.

"Hello, Remus," she said cheerfully as she placed her books down beside him. She often preferred to work alone, but she found Remus a helpful companion who didn't often disrupt her unnecessarily.

He cast a quick glance at her before returning to his work. "Hello, Lily," he replied tiredly.

Lily was quick to notice that something was wrong from his normal pleasant demeanor. She frowned slightly, her brows furrowed. "Is there something wrong?"

He grinned slightly, but the grin faltered and his eyes seemed weary. "How did you guess?" Lily didn't respond and let him continue. With a shake of his head, he said hastily, "It's nothing, really."

There is nothing more intriguing than the phrase, "It's nothing, really," and there is nothing more infuriating than that same phrase. Naturally, Lily grew both interested and frustrated at Remus. "Tell me," she demanded, slapping her wand down on the table, making it noticeable to him.

His eyes widened slightly and saw the fierce determination in her eyes. Fidgeting slightly, he hesitated and shook his head once more. "It's nothing, honestly." He paused before adding, "Just another one of James's temper tantrums. You know how they always turn out."

And she did. But she also knew that when James vented out on one of the Marauders, the remaining two Marauders would do their best to reconcile between the two, while one was with James and the other with the outcast. But there was no one with Remus now.

And that meant it had to be serious.

"Tell me," she said, repeating herself, annunciating every syllable and dropping it sharply. Her hand was locked over Remus's wrist, applying pressure to convey her seriousness.

It hurt, though Remus did nothing more than wince slightly. He looked down at his books, as though ashamed, and muttered out, "He thinks we're dating."

He spoke them in a low tone, but it was all Lily needed to hear. In fact, she did not even quite comprehend those simple words at first, and she did not exactly respond. However, those words did sink in at long last and her eyes widened. She had heard and seen some people sneak glances at her and those little mutters that slipped from one mouth to another's ear. Was this what they were talking about?

She recalled, the other day, when she had lied about her engagement to Remus that prevented her from dating that one boy to whom she had already forgotten the name of. Crotchman, was it? Yes, it was Crotchman. Had he spread rumors about it? Perhaps he had – and perhaps now, none of those other suitors would be after her.

But at what cost? The cost of Remus's friendship. Lily weighed the two – which was more important? Her freedom, or Remus's friendship? She would endure torture for a year, but he would endure torture for his whole life…

"I'm sorry, Remus," she said hastily, a worried look in her eyes. "I never should have asked for you to do this for me. Now – now you're…" She trailed off, but she needn't finish her sentence. After all, Remus could figure out the rest for himself. She rested her head in her hands as she realized the depth of the issue. Remus – werewolf, who had somehow managed to find three loyal friends – was now alone. "Oh Merlin, I'm _so_ sorry, I – "

"It's fine," Remus said, interrupting her with a small smile that didn't reach his eyes. "I was the one that suggested it, didn't I?"

"But – I – I – " She faltered slightly, looking around helplessly. The Transfiguration essay was forgotten completely, replaced by school drama. "I shouldn't have – I mean, a year's worth of agony – I shouldn't have accepted – I should've been more precise – "

"Lily," Remus said, holding a hand up in the air, silencing her. It did not, however, keep her from looking and feeling flustered and frustrated. "It's fine. James will come around."

At the mention of James's name, Lily's eyes narrowed slightly in distaste. How could he do something so cruel to his friend? To ignore him completely? To retract their friendship? Friendship wasn't meant to be given then taken back again – it was meant to keep. "That _bloody_ prat," she muttered under her breath. "I can't believe he did something like that! How could he? He ought to shove his head up his arse for doing something like that – well, I suppose, it's already there, but – "

She fell into a ramble, continuing on about how much she detested Potter. And Remus watched, a wry smile on his face. He didn't interrupt her, being rather amused by her great dislike. However, when her voice started to rise, Remus quickly said, "Lily – it's fine. I – I guess, well, I did something to make him do what he did. It's my fault, really."

Lily blinked before responding. His fault? How in Merlin's name was it Remus's fault? "Don't blame yourself, Remus, for James's immaturity – "

But she cut herself off short when she realized that he didn't seem sorry by this sudden betrayal at all. Instead… "Lily," he said slowly, trying to find the right words, "well, we've been friends for a while, and I was wondering…"

He paused and looked up into her eyes. And suddenly, Lily felt nervous. She wished nothing more than to bolt from the room. She knew what he was about to say. And Remus was a kind, intelligent bloke, but did she really think of him as anything more than a brother, a friend?

His lips were moving now. And they were forming words.

Oh, snap.

"Will… you, err…"

Lily squeezed her eyes tight shut.

This could _not_ be happening.

But it was, anyways.

-------------------

"Prongs, mate," Sirius said, lounging on the bed (or what was once a bed) as he watched his raven haired friend shoot hexes and curses at everything in plain sight. In fact, it was so terrible that Peter had run for cover and was no longer to be seen. Quite smart, and an example that Sirius should have followed, if he had any common sense. "It's probably a misconception – "

"I _know_ what I saw, Black!" James spat out, shooting Sirius a silencing glare. "I _saw_ them together in the stands. How come she goes with him the first time he asks, and she _never_ goes to the Quidditch pitch with me, despite the countless times I've asked?" He waited for a response, but none came. "There are rumors, besides. You heard them too."

Aggravated by their torn Maraudership, Sirius stood up. "Back to last names, I suppose, then, Potter." Stretching, he walked over to the corner in which James was sulking in with a dark and foreboding aura. "I admit that Remus is messed up to chase after Lily, but to strip away his title as a Marauder?" He shook his head, slamming a fist against the wall. "I refuse to let that happen. The Marauders isn't the Marauders without one of its members. It's missing something."

When James proved that he had no intention of responding, Sirius sighed heavily and continued, "You're acting immature, James. Sulking around while you're letting Remus go off with Lily. I thought you would be _doing_ something by now. I mean, chasing her and pulling her back instead of venting out all your anger out on Remus. You know, since they're dating, Lily's going to hate you even more now than she did before – "

He was interrupted by a sudden thud: a fist colliding with a wall. James's knuckles started to bleed from the impact with the stone walls, but he did not seem to notice. "SHUT UP!" he roared, standing up. His eyes were flaming with anger. "SHUT THE BLOODY HELL UP!"

Sirius realized his mistake, but he did not feel sheepish or intimidated. Rather, he felt angry. "No, _YOU_ SHUT THE BLOODY HELL UP!" Sirius shouted, throwing the closest object – which happened to be dirty laundry – at James, who was so stunned by the outburst that he had listened to Sirius's words. "You're so caught up in your own moping that you refuse to listen to the _truth_. If you want Lily, you've gotta chase after her. If you don't, then Remus gets her. Is that what you want?"

James didn't respond. His eyes flickered to the floor and his previous furious state had melted into desperation and sadness. "I tried," he whispered. "I tried."

Sirius sighed at his friend. Lily had thought him to be pompous, arrogant – an act that he had put on in attempts of winning her over. She thought that it was a persisting prank. It wasn't. Opening the door wearily, he pointed outside of it. "Well, then," Sirius said, "try one more time."

And after moment's pause, James had scrambled up and left the room, racing down the stairs.

Escaping into the hallways, he ran, his stomach cramping and his legs burning as he turned corridor after corridor, but he took no notice. Time ticked by and he did not falter in speed as he searched frantically for her. "Lily!" he shouted when he finally found himself far too weary to continue. "Li—"

At that moment, two people rounded the corner.

Two all-too familiar people.

Lily and Remus, laughing together.

He felt himself freeze, contrary to the burn that he had felt the day before. He felt his stomach churn and his heart stop. All thoughts that scrambled across his mind suddenly came to a standstill and disintegrated into empty space – that conquering empty space that occupied his whole body.

They, too, froze in place as they stared at him. Together. _They_ stared at him. He stared at Lily. It was too late, he realized. Lily _loved_ Remus, the same way as he loved Lily.

It was too late.

It was too late for him.

------------------

"Damn it, Remus, why did you have to go off and ruin everything?"

They were standing outside where James could not overhear them. Remus was kicking at the pebbles that littered the floor, not looking the flaming Sirius in the eye.

He didn't respond.

Aggravated, Sirius kicked the stone wall of the castle. "I _finally_ manage to get hope and you squash it! You knew he liked her all along – why did you have to go and steal her from him?"

Sirius was panting from the frustration and anger that he kept bottled within himself. Remus, on the contrary, seemed perfectly calm and resolute. After a long moment's of silence, he finally responded, "Lily was never his."

This only angered Sirius even further. "So it was perfectly all right to ask Lily on a date?" Once again, Remus was silent. "You are his friend. You are supposed to be supportive. You don't date the girl he's loved for the past several years!"

"I was supportive," Remus said quietly. "I _am_ supportive."

"You are bloody _not_ supportive!" Sirius roared, trying to do his best to keep himself from lashing out at Remus. "Not only did you _take_ the girl that he's liked, you have asked him for _his broom_ to take Lily flying! He's been trying to get her to fly for ages, and now she's doing it with you! On _his_ broom!"

Remus shrugged, sticking his hands in his pockets. It was only September, but the air was already getting frosty.

"If I tell you, Sirius, would you promise to keep quiet?"

And suddenly Sirius stopped in his anger and a slow smile crossed his face. What did he mean? He knew Remus. He was sneaky in a way – all his pranks were, never like James's and Sirius's – those pranks that pop in front of someone's face. They were always sly and struck silently and came when no one was suspicous, but it was lasting.

"I'm a Marauder, Remus," Sirius reminded him, his eyes glinting with mischief. "Tell me what you've got."

------------------

_Dear Mrs. Evans,_

_It is to my pleasure that I may announce that, despite the fact that your daughter, Lily Evans, had successfully managed to slip from her first engagement that you have arranged with her, her relationship status is working its way up in a discrete manner. Such a discrete manner, in fact, that she does not even realize it._

_You may think me confusing or confused, I understand. I assure you, I am not. Instead of attending a date with young Mr. Crotchman, your daughter had forged a fake engagement with her friend, Remus Lupin. And the rest is all predictable._

_Therefore, I make it a point that all following set up dates may be cancelled. However, might I request a meeting with you involving this subject (in secret, of course – revealed to no one but the Hogwarts staff, you, and perhaps your husband) as soon as possible? We will arrange transportation issues. There are a few issues that I mean to discuss…_

_Sincerely,_

_Albus Dumbledore_

_Headmaster of Hogwarts Witchcraft and Wizardry_

------------------

That night, Lily lay in bed, a smile on her face. The two of her roommates to whom she wasn't exactly friends with caught sight of this dreamy expression and immediately started to glare at her for taking away one of the Marauders and spread more rumors. But Lily didn't care, for she was to distracted in her own thoughts.

"Is it true, Lily?" Alice whispered, nudging Lily with her elbow. "Are you honestly going out with Lupin?"

Lily turned to look at her friend and rolled over onto her side. A small smile crossed her face as she recalled what had happened. "You'll see," she whispered in reply, not wanting the two gossips to overhear. After all, if the truth leaked out, what would happen?

And Lily turned back over to face the ceiling of her four poster bed and grinned once more, remembering what had happened only earlier that day. She recalled how Remus fidgeted slightly and how he cleared his throat to find a way to put out his words. After all, he was a prefect. Something like that wouldn't exactly be the easiest.

_He was squirming slightly in his seat, face contorted as he tried to think of the most appropriate words..._

She didn't blame him. But she never thought that Remus, of all people, would ask her that. In fact, she didn't think that _anyone_ would ever ask that.

_He stuttered out the next words. "Will... you, err..." He frowned slightly, frustrated at his inability to voice his thoughts._

It was an exciting concept, to say the least. And she couldn't wait for it to begin.

_Inhaling deeply, he calmed himself and his lips started to form words, his throat voicing them..._

She grinned once more, her thoughts racing across her head. She had told him yes.

"_Will you pull a prank on James with me?"_

And how could you refuse such an offer?

* * *

Ha! Did I get you thinking in the opposite direction? Probably not. Oh well. Hope you enjoyed! Crtique the story--I know it's not the best quality and my works are all missing something. o.O (sigh, sigh) Well, yeah. Review!


	8. How to Shock a Dumbledore

MAN I feel so bad for not updating. I haven't given up on this story; I just… kind of lost my enthusiasm? It's really hard, I realize, to write a humorous but well-written story. What a challenge. Also fell into a writer's block. I actually meant to update in June… last year. Har. Let's go procrastination!

Anyways, I'm _so_ sorry about not updating. I hope I haven't lost any of you guys. Just so you know, I _will_ finish this story even if it means eating my younger sister… but that's not saying much. Ha. Just kidding!

(about eating my younger sister, not the finishing the story part.) Enjoy!

* * *

Chapter Eight: How to Shock a Dumbledore

Albus Dumbledore was used to surprising.

Perhaps the first time he had ever surprised somebody was during the hours of his birth, when he was a newborn baby wrapped in layers of blankets placed in those little bins the Healers used and garbled out the words, "Want lemon drop," startling the Healer out of her wits. He had heard that she had retired soon after, believing herself to have hallucinated.

From a few hours old to his old current age, he was constantly surprising people. It was one of the things he was surprisingly talented at, whether or not the element of surprise was intended.

And Albus Dumbledore was good at many things, and surprising people was certainly one of them.

But one thing that Dumbledore was _not_ used to was _being_ surprised.

And so it was on this seemingly painless day, this seemingly normal day that started out like every other. The great Albus Dumbledore awoke with the sun creeping over and splashing onto his face as it did everyday, little birds chirping outside the window, fluttering and stretching its wings.

Or not. So I lied. It was September and approaching winter, and the little birdies were all migrating down south, so Dumbledore was not graced with their beautiful singing that morning. Let us now continue the story and ignore science and reason entirely – for isn't this a magical world after all?

What happened that day was like every other--save one thing. From his fireplace came a spewing, coughing sound. One swift turn enabled Dumbledore to see a middle-aged woman dressed as a Muggle with blonde hair and deep blue eyes, dusting herself off and looking at the fireplace as though she had never seen one in her life.

Dumbledore waited for her to speak, his eyes not leaving her face. When the woman finally did take notice that Dumbledore existed in the same room, she jumped slightly. He was not quite sure what she was expecting, but seeing him in his office certainly wasn't. He briefly wondered why.

His curiosity was soon satisfied.

"Professor Dumblydoor--Dumbdoor? I apologize." She broke off, somewhat flustered as Dumbledore supplied the correct pronunciation of his name. A slight hint of an embarrassed blush rose to her cheeks as she briskly continued, as though the mistake never happened. "I am Anna Evans, Lily's mum." Without waiting for a response, she continued, "That may come a shock to you, I am sure, for our appearances differ greatly, but I am her mother nonetheless. My hair and eye color are dominant over her recessive traits."

...Science is so fickle.

But Dumbledore waved her genetic explanation aside, not caring for it. "Lily has your nose. But anyways, would you like some butter pecan ice cream?" he said, motioning to the ice cream box on his desk, charmed to keep cool. "I'm afraid I'm quite low on my lemon drops at the moment."

Anna glanced over at the ice cream box that he had gestured toward. "No, thanks," she replied amiably. "I'm not fond of butter pecan."

"Neither am I," Dumbledore agreed with a weary sigh, shaking his head. "I've been trying to rid myself of them. Ah, well, it was worth a try. Lemon drop?"

This, she accepted, popping the candy into her mouth. Rolling it to the side of her mouth, she said, "I received your letter and I went to that one bar place I drop Lily off every year for school supplies and--what was it? Floo-ed over? Yes, well." She sucked on the candy for a bit. "I'd like to give her my sincerest congratulations and meet this boyfriend of hers."

She was positively beaming. How could he say no? After all... "Yes, perhaps after dinner? Their, ah, _studies_ will keep them quite preoccupied as of late," Dumbledore said.

Her smile widened even more as she clasped her hands together in delight. "Excellent!" she said. "That'll give me time to prepare."

-----------------------

"If James has a weakness," Remus said before abruptly stopping himself. Shaking his head and clearing his throat slightly, he corrected himself. "James has _several_ weaknesses, actually. And quite a few of them involve food."

Lily listened to Remus, absorbing every word. It was necessary to know her enemies, she decided. She smiled at the thought of his weaknesses and in anticipation of what they had in store for the unsuspecting and sulking raven-haired Head Boy who was grudgingly throwing in items into his cauldron quite recklessly.

"And one thing that you'll find yourself having a hard time getting out of him is the fact that he loves _strawberries_," Remus said, smiling slightly. "But he'll say they're all right, simply because he thinks it's far too girly for his preferences."

Lily was shocked, to say mildly. She was appalled by James's sexist attitude. "Fruits don't have genders!" she said, managing to keep her voice down with Remus's weary glance at Slughorn, who was peering over Sirius's shoulder.

"Eh, he had an incident with one," Remus said lightly, waving the idea aside. "But his prized possession is his _broomstick_. And if we--"

"Lily!" interrupted Slughorn's booming voice. Lily jumped slightly at the sound, her head shooting up. Sure enough, the well-rounded professor (and quite literally, at that) stood by her table, looking into her cauldron, nodding approvingly. "Excellent chemistry you've got going on in your cauldron! The perfect color! Such precision is so difficult to find! Ten points to Gryffindor for such a _superb_ potion!"

At this, Lily couldn't help but smile slightly, feeling the corners of her lips being tugged upwards. "Thank you, professor," she said quietly as she added the next ingredient. The moment Professor Slughorn walked onward, Lily said in an undertone to Remus, "If we what?"

"If we transform his broom into a platter of sweets and leave it on his bed..." Remus said, leaving the rest unfinished. But then again, he didn't _need_ to finish, for his intention was clear.

Lily's smile broadened as an idea flickered into her head. "Oh, and if we _charm_ the platter of sweets to, say... alter his appearance and the octave of his voice to imitate a certain professor's..." she said slyly.

The bell echoed throughout Hogwarts, announcing the end of Potions and the start of their free period. "Dismissed!" came Slughorn's voice, rising over the students' bustling. "Please place your potion in the appropriate cubicle!"

As they finished packing up, Lily tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. And though she would never openly admit this, her fingers were itching to start the prank.

-----------------------

"Dumbledore," Anna said, her head buried in mountains of white rectangular sheets that she had called _paper_, "a few of my plans require magic, which I am utterly incapable of--"

"It would be my pleasure, Mrs. Evans," Dumbledore said amiably, smiling. "Now, what is it that you wish me to do?"

A grin spread across Anna's lips and a devious look crossed her face. From a folder, she removed a large sheet of paper covered with small sketches and notes and spread it across the table. "Well, you see, sir..."

-----------------------

"Prongs, mate..."

Sirius sighed while attempting to suppress a smile that urged to break upon his face. He watched his friend lie on his bed, staring at the ceiling, ignoring the world around him. His face was contorted with a fury that Sirius was only seldomly familiar with, his fists clenched as his knuckles turned white. He reached over and grabbed the nearest object--a smuggled tank of butterbeer--and set it aflame with his wand. How James managed to set a fluid on fire, Sirius doubted he'd ever find out. A furious James could produce startling results.

However, James himself was not at all amused and barely noticed what he had done. His fist flew up, colliding with the wall beside him. Sirius's eyes flickered over to the right, where Remus's bed once was. It had been transfigured into a beautifully bright pink princess bed--or it had been, before James decided he _still_ did not have enough and decided to wreck havoc upon the innocent bed of Remus's. It was snapped in two and the corners of the bed were burned with the mattress turned inside out, askew against the bed posts.

He withdrew his hand and struck the wall again. Sirius winced for him. "Transfiguration will start in fifteen minutes, mate. Planning on attending class?"

James merely grunted. "Will the werewolf be there?" he finally spat.

Sirius let out a sigh. Remus's idea was working... a little too well on James's part. And while it was quite amusing to watch James in all his agony, stressing over a Remus Prank (a term that deserved capital letters for his pranks were unique and like none other... particularly because they actually had a purpose besides laughter), he wondered how far James would take it and was slightly afraid. No, he was never afraid. He was wary. Yes, wary.

"Well, Prongs... he _does_ share the same schedule as us," Sirius pointed out.

Insert grunt.

"You know, Prongs, the old James wouldn't have acted like this. He'd be chasing Lily down the street."

"Well, she didn't _like_ the old James, didn't she?"

"I don't think she'd like the new James, either." Sirius grinned mischievously. "This James is _sad_," he said slowly as though speaking to a three-year-old. "And everyone knows one thing that will cheer everybody up!" Grabbing his wand and waving in the air, he conjured a bucket of ice cream and a spoon. "Ice cream!"

James's eyes snapped open wide. "What flavor is it?" he demanded.

"That is a secret," Sirius said in a sing-song voice.

James narrowed his eyes. "Tell me it isn't--" Sirius took the opportune moment of James talking to cram the ice cream in his mouth, which he quickly spewed out, sputtering. In seconds, James was up and running. "--butter pecan!" he finished, grabbing the object closest to him as a weapon, chasing Sirius down the hallways.

It was actually quite a strange sight to see--the two most popular Marauders running down the hallway, one carrying a bucket of ice cream and a spoon laughing maniacally with glee while running away from another Marauder wielding a singing papaya.

Wonder what it was doing there.

...Some things are better left unasked.

For instance, another thing that would be better left unasked would be, "Does James know that Lily is in his dorm right now?" Because, as James had charged out, Lily and Remus had crept into the dorm and uncovered the prized broomstick, transfiguring it into a magnificently decorated cake with strawberries (and a single pecan just to spite him) with the words "NOT A CAKE" written in icing, for Remus had so courteously reminded Lily how Sirius, especially, feared cake.

And, with a flick of the wrist, the charm was set.

-----------------------

"My dear Mrs. Evans, what is that you are going over?" Dumbledore peered over his own book to glance at the blond Muggle's magazine. He was impressed by her diligence; it was clear where Lily got her stubbornness and determination from. Since the moment Anna had stepped into his office, she had been working nonstop on her scheme – no, plan. Dumbledore didn't support _schemes_.

She glanced up from her magazine, flipping the page as she did so. "Bridesmaid dresses," she said. At this point, Dumbledore would have chuckled, had it not been for the perfectly serious look on Anna's face. "Now, what color hair does this wizard of hers have? Everything must be perfectly color coordinated."

Dumbledore cleared his throat slightly. "Excuse me, Mrs. Evans, but doesn't it seem to be a bit… _early_ to make such plans?"

A grin flickered across Anna's face. "No, of course not!" she said, laying out the magazine. "Now, you see, I was thinking…"

An amused smile played on Dumbledore's face as he listened to her ideas. Apparently, Lily wasn't the only brilliant person from her family.

-----------------------

"Do… do my eyes _deceive_ me? It must be a lie. It _must_ be!" Sirius whispered as he came to an abrupt stop, the ice cream spoon falling from his hands and clattering onto the floor. His face mirrored one of shock as he stumbled backwards and fell against the wall.

James was breathless, his eyes wide. His pulse quickened as he shook his head. "No… _impossible_… I don't – I can't believe this – " He struggled to tear his eyes away, but only in vain. He felt as if he'd been Petrified, frozen to the spot, and his heart burned.

Sirius slumped to the floor, covering his face with his hands. "I – I'm sorry, James," he said, his voice low. "I – I didn't – this is impossible – _unexpected_ – " Sirius broke off, unable to continue, his voice quavering.

James was silent for a moment. "Why." It wasn't a question, but his voice was one of stony demand. "Why must it be _me_… _here_… why must _I_ suffer?" His voice grew more agitated. "Bloody hell, Merlin, let's all play tricks on James Potter because his life isn't bad enough – "

"I didn't know, James! I swear! I didn't – I didn't think it – " Sirius stood up.

Slowly, James closed his eyes and tried to even his breathing, but to no avail. The image still remained in his mind, as clear as ever. Every curve, every shade, and the look – the sweet look, the soft –

He refused to think anymore. Clenching his fist, James thought spitefully, _And of course, of course, here, of all places – only to taunt me._

"It's not a hallucination," he exhaled. "It's too real – too true – to be a hallucination." Forcing calm, James took a deep breath and unclenched his fist.

Sirius hesitated. "I – I think it's real, mate." Silence hung between them. "I – I'm sorry…"

They looked at each other, their eyes locking. A pair of hazel eyes was lost; a pair of brown eyes was confused. Slowly, James turned his head and walked toward the haunting mirage.

"Impossible."

But James couldn't stop himself from walking toward the horrifying image in its own thrilling jealousy and want: of the beautifully soft, round gentle curves of its shape, of the plump yet delicate red strawberries that was sprinkled across the elegant loops of the words _not-a-cake_ upon layers of rich, creamy chocolate.

"Blimey, mate… I think it's _real_."

From six dorms away, the first years heard wild screaming of delight and enthusiasm.

-----------------------

The day passed and it was only a bit until dinner. One look at the pleased faces of James and Sirius assured Lily that they had found the cake that they'd left surrounded by strobe lights in their dorm. She spun her wand around her fingers casually as she walked down the corridors alone with Remus toward the Great Hall, an excited look on her face. "Did you see them?" she whispered. Was this how the Marauders felt after every prank? Delightfully rebellious and thrilling? "I can't wait until they wake up tomorrow – "

"Lily!"

A familiar voice echoed down the hall. Surprised, Lily turned around and was caught by surprise as a brilliant flash of light came at her, followed by a click. Lily blinked furiously as she tried to regain her sight from the flash of white light.

"Is this your boyfriend? What's your name, dear?"

Remus, who Lily knew was beside her, seemed rather taken aback. "Err – Remus," he said awkwardly.

"Remus! It's such a pleasure to finally meet you. I'm – "

It was at this particular moment that Lily finally regained her eyesight. However, as she did, Lily wasn't quite sure whether she would have preferred to be able to see and live through this moment, or be blind forever.

"Mum?"


End file.
